It's Done

We went to the yard early and cleared out everything we own from the feed room.  Such a strange sensation.  I'd had this idea that I'd go for one last ride on Barnaby, but I should know from experience that it never happens like that. 
We went back at 2pm and the people arrived to collect Barnaby.  They loaded up all his rugs, tack, lungeing gear and saddle cloths.  So much stuff that I'll never need again. 
I sent John to get Barnaby from the field.  He said he stopped by the gate and turned round as if having one last look, gave a whinny (which he's never done before) and followed John onto the yard.  We quickly put his travel boots on and he was ready to go.  I just stood there hugging him but only looked him in the eye briefly. I just held him and cried. Horses are not stupid.
They came with the tiniest van.  I thought, 'Okay, that's where his gear's going, what are they actually transporting him in?' and it turned out it was in this miniscule vehicle.  There was a ramp down on the side and it did look bigger in there.  Barnaby didn't go in at the first attempt, but John just stayed calm and turned him round and this time he walked up the ramp.  We closed the ramp up behind him and John climbed out through the jockey door.
And they drove away.
And that is the last time I will ever see my boy.
I feel bereft.  We've lost Crispina and Max and dear, sweet Zak and now my dearest, darling boy, Barnaby.

We have had horses in our lives for more than 12 years. 

I wrote this the day before.  Reading it over again will probably cause me to skip this post in future read throughs:

I will see you again, Noble Steed,

In a future time

I will stand upon my battlements

Armour clad

And see you in the distance,

Running and running

Until you stand beneath my castle walls

Snorting, stamping

And I will fly the steps to meet you

And once more I’ll climb upon your back

And you will run with me upon the Elysian Fields

As fast as we used to go

And faster yet

You will be mine for ever more

And no one will be able to take you from me.

I will never forget you,

Noble Steed, Heart-beast, Friend.

I will go into the East

And never more be Joan of Arc

But patiently wait the day.

I woke up this morning, after a terrible night's sleep and have never felt so strange.  I didn't realise how much I subconsciously thought of him guarding me, up there on that hill.  In real life, of course, it's me guarding him, and providing for him, but he has been my rock and my confidant for a very long time.

I've had to be firm with myself today and know that no one else made me do it and I haven't done it in a fit of pms, and although it has been horrendously difficult, I have still done the right thing.

When you have a horse, your whole life revolves around them.  I am Barnaby's mum.  That is my identity.  It affects how you spend your time, money and energy.  It affects what you wear and even what you eat.  All my friends on facebook have horses.  They will not comprehend what I've just done.

So today, in church, I faced a 'Who am I?' moment.  I am not a horsewoman any more.  I am not yet an artist.  I am a wife and mother, but that's not the whole of me, surely?  This will be something to work through, and journal about, when I get back from holiday.

But, me being me, the eternal optimist, I just want to list a few things that will happen (or not happen) now that I no longer have a horse in my life:

1.  I will be able to come home from work and sit for as long as I like.

2. I will have time to get my course work done.

3.  We will financially be a lot better off.  No matter how cheaply you do it, owning a horse will always be an expensive business.

4. I will have more time to keep the house clean and tidy.  I get jealous when I go to other people's houses and they are spotless!  That's usually because they don't have a dog though, and we still have ours!

5.  I will have more time to be creative.

6.  I will be able to sit in the library for as long as I like.

7.  If it's pouring with rain or snowing, I won't give a monkey's.  I will get a stack of digestive biscuits and a mug of tea and go to my desk and create.  Let it pour.  I have never had that opportunity.

8. Sometimes I will curl up under my duvet with a mug of hot chocolate and a good book and stay there for at least an hour.

9. I will wear dresses and soft shoes.

10. We will be able to go away for the day and not have to hurry back to put a horse away.

And so this chapter in my life has closed.  But anothe is just beginning.  Can you see why I want to journal everything?

That's it for now then, I'm off to France!

Jane x