En Francais

So we are back from Paris and it was awesome. 

 I kept a journal while we were there and I'm so glad now

 because I wrote things down the whole time. 

Can't wait to convert this into an art journal now.

First day spent whizzing round the Arc di Triomphe! 

You take your life into your hands driving round here. 

 For a start the traffic goes anti-clockwise, which takes a while to get used to.

Notre Dame Cathedral.  Just stunning.

The Sacre Coeur. Beautiful inside and out.

The icon.

There wasn't enough art in a way.

I didn't think it would be fair on John

just to wander around galleries every day.

But it was fun to stroll around Montmartre on the last evening.

Soaking up the atmosphere.

Sitting in a cafe, catching the last rays of the sun.

Drinking coffee and watching the world go by.

Can't think of a nicer way to spend an evening.

Besides which...

There's always next time!

 

Back soon

Jane x

It's Done

We went to the yard early and cleared out everything we own from the feed room.  Such a strange sensation.  I'd had this idea that I'd go for one last ride on Barnaby, but I should know from experience that it never happens like that. 
We went back at 2pm and the people arrived to collect Barnaby.  They loaded up all his rugs, tack, lungeing gear and saddle cloths.  So much stuff that I'll never need again. 
I sent John to get Barnaby from the field.  He said he stopped by the gate and turned round as if having one last look, gave a whinny (which he's never done before) and followed John onto the yard.  We quickly put his travel boots on and he was ready to go.  I just stood there hugging him but only looked him in the eye briefly. I just held him and cried. Horses are not stupid.
They came with the tiniest van.  I thought, 'Okay, that's where his gear's going, what are they actually transporting him in?' and it turned out it was in this miniscule vehicle.  There was a ramp down on the side and it did look bigger in there.  Barnaby didn't go in at the first attempt, but John just stayed calm and turned him round and this time he walked up the ramp.  We closed the ramp up behind him and John climbed out through the jockey door.
And they drove away.
And that is the last time I will ever see my boy.
I feel bereft.  We've lost Crispina and Max and dear, sweet Zak and now my dearest, darling boy, Barnaby.

We have had horses in our lives for more than 12 years. 

I wrote this the day before.  Reading it over again will probably cause me to skip this post in future read throughs:

I will see you again, Noble Steed,

In a future time

I will stand upon my battlements

Armour clad

And see you in the distance,

Running and running

Until you stand beneath my castle walls

Snorting, stamping

And I will fly the steps to meet you

And once more I’ll climb upon your back

And you will run with me upon the Elysian Fields

As fast as we used to go

And faster yet

You will be mine for ever more

And no one will be able to take you from me.

I will never forget you,

Noble Steed, Heart-beast, Friend.

I will go into the East

And never more be Joan of Arc

But patiently wait the day.

I woke up this morning, after a terrible night's sleep and have never felt so strange.  I didn't realise how much I subconsciously thought of him guarding me, up there on that hill.  In real life, of course, it's me guarding him, and providing for him, but he has been my rock and my confidant for a very long time.

I've had to be firm with myself today and know that no one else made me do it and I haven't done it in a fit of pms, and although it has been horrendously difficult, I have still done the right thing.

When you have a horse, your whole life revolves around them.  I am Barnaby's mum.  That is my identity.  It affects how you spend your time, money and energy.  It affects what you wear and even what you eat.  All my friends on facebook have horses.  They will not comprehend what I've just done.

So today, in church, I faced a 'Who am I?' moment.  I am not a horsewoman any more.  I am not yet an artist.  I am a wife and mother, but that's not the whole of me, surely?  This will be something to work through, and journal about, when I get back from holiday.

But, me being me, the eternal optimist, I just want to list a few things that will happen (or not happen) now that I no longer have a horse in my life:

1.  I will be able to come home from work and sit for as long as I like.

2. I will have time to get my course work done.

3.  We will financially be a lot better off.  No matter how cheaply you do it, owning a horse will always be an expensive business.

4. I will have more time to keep the house clean and tidy.  I get jealous when I go to other people's houses and they are spotless!  That's usually because they don't have a dog though, and we still have ours!

5.  I will have more time to be creative.

6.  I will be able to sit in the library for as long as I like.

7.  If it's pouring with rain or snowing, I won't give a monkey's.  I will get a stack of digestive biscuits and a mug of tea and go to my desk and create.  Let it pour.  I have never had that opportunity.

8. Sometimes I will curl up under my duvet with a mug of hot chocolate and a good book and stay there for at least an hour.

9. I will wear dresses and soft shoes.

10. We will be able to go away for the day and not have to hurry back to put a horse away.

And so this chapter in my life has closed.  But anothe is just beginning.  Can you see why I want to journal everything?

That's it for now then, I'm off to France!

Jane x

Decisions, Decisions

I've been feeling quite ill today and ended up in bed this afternoon, but then the phone went about four times and I gave up and got up.
I realised today how much I love taking the dog for her walk.  It's a time to be at peace and not be constantly bombarded with demands and hopefully talk to God at the same time.
And it really cleared my head.
I realised I'm finding a certain part of blogging quite stressful, and that's ridiculous, isn't it?  Not this blog, the other one. It's partly because I feel pressured into making and buying new things all the time. Although I adore Stampin Up, the constant sales pitch is getting on my nerves.  I know it's to help you be creative, but it's too much sell, sell, sell.  Because of this (although it's not entirely their fault!) I've ended up with loads of dsp.  The demand for cards in my life is nowhere near as great as it used to be (I used to sell my cards in a shop until we moved here) so I've got all this now out of date dsp and not a lot to do with it.
So I've decided to only blog my card making now and then, and use up my dsp before I buy any more.  I also want to see what else my stamps can do besides make cards with them.  I will always love Stampin Up, but you can have too much of a good thing, can't you?  If I miss a stamp set, I miss a stamp set.  I'll live.  I need the freedom to create whatever comes to mind, and not be restricted to one company.  I always resisted the urge to become a demonstrator and I'm really glad now.
I created this a few days ago:

My first go at spreading acrylics with an old library card.  Such fun.  I just squeezed some straight onto the acrylic paper and started spreading.  This came out quite large, so I painted the centre in white as I knew I wanted to write something on it.  I actually wrote about some of the stresses and strains of work, which came out of nowhere, but I felt great after I'd done it.  I stamped some flowers and used my stampin up markers to draw the flowers.  My first go at drawing freehand.
Back soon
Jane xx

So the vet came out and it was all very good.  He says Barnaby hasn't got mites, he's got a skin infection like psoriasis.  He just needs to have all the hair clipped off and a steroid cream applied to the skin, which is fantastic news.  I said we'd do this as soon as we came back from France, but half an hour later a woman who is interested in buying Barn text me and asked what the vet had said.  I replied with everything he'd just told me and she said she'd like to come and see him (Barnaby that is, not the vet!)
They finally got here (from Northamptonshire) around 7.30pm last night.  It was very overcast as it was so hot we all thought there might be a thunderstorm, so I quickly got Barnaby in and tacked him up.  I really wanted to ride him through the village to prove he is as bombproof as I've said he is. 
I set off and rode down to the village with them and John following me in the car.  There wasn't much traffic at first, and I thought it was quite boring, but apparently they were gobsmacked at how good he was.  I got to the bottom of Kirk Ley and was going to just walk up but after a while (and because I'm a dreadful show-off!) we got on the grass and went for a blast.
We came back to the yard and then the man got on and rode him.  His riding was very average.  I went into teacher mode and started giving instructions about how to ride him (like not letting him run and run when you actually want him to canter) and he got better and we put a little fence up and he jumped that too, which was good.
And so they said yes and Barnaby is sold.  I can hardly believe it.  In my head I'd decided I'd have to keep him if the problem with his leg was really bad, so I was a bit stunned to be honest.  They've paid a deposit and they'll come to pick him up Saturday afternoon.
So it will all be done and dusted by the time we go to Paris on Monday morning, but it will be so strange to come back and realise Barnaby's not here.  It's the end of an era.  We've had him for 9 years. 
I've done a bit of art journaling because of this.  Have a look:

I drew around my hand and painted it with watercolour paints.  Then I painted around it in a different colour.  I painted the heart in acrylic paint.  The wording says, 'You hold my heart, now hold my hand.'  I really need God to support me through the whole process of selling Barnaby.  I know He wants me to do it and has other plans for my life and John's.  I gave my heart to God a long, long time ago, but right now I need Him to hold my hand and comfort me, too.
I feel I want to put more on this, but I don't know what yet, as I don't want to detract from the hand, the heart and the writing, so we'll see.  Maybe I'll pull it out again in six months and add to it.
For the first time I've used the water filled brushes and they're awesome.  They'll be coming out to play regularly from now on.
Back soon
Jane x

Daisy Yellow Prompt 6 #19

I am hardly ever off the internet at the moment, looking at more and more blogs and websites concerned with art journaling.  But the one that made me take the leap of faith is Tammy's Daisy Yellow blog.  It truly is an Aladdin's cave of inspiration.  I've decided to have a go at some of the Prompt 6 journaling prompts.  Here's the one I've attempted:



You can interpret this how you like.  This is what I came up with.  Please don't laugh, it's my first attempt at anything like this:

This looks quite good irl, I'm just annoyed that I stamped the tree at the top in white and the ink is a load of rubbish.  I need to look into this as I want to use a lot of white.  I combined the idea of road, leaf sketch and grey and did the leaves in grey.  As all my journeys have Jesus at the helm, I decided this road should lead directly to Him, but I thought a cross was too obvious, so I did the white tree instead.  I used all the flower and leaf stamps I could muster, getting smaller and smaller as they go into the distance.  The writing around the leaves is the first line of Amazing Grace.

Guess which idiot lay awake most of the night trying to write a haiku?!  I know they're supposed to be about nature, and provide a contrast, but I was just concentrating on getting the number of syllables right at this stage!  The typing is washi tape along the bottom.  The drips are from my French Foliage stamp set (SU!)  This is actually acrylic paint on watercolour paper.  You live and learn, don't you?!!
At the moment I'm putting on paper whatever comes into my head.  I can't be limited by size, I have to go with what works with whatever I'm planning.  I have started a couple of times now with a big sheet of paper and just cut off the bit I like best.
Back soon
Jane x

Barnaby Update

So it's all going wrong.  Barnaby has mites so when the vet came to do his flexion text he wouldn't pick his legs up.  The vet left and so did my potential buyer.  Barnaby looked at me as if to say, "Told you you'd be stuck with me for ever!" 
So I've taken the advert down and we are going to pay what will probably amount to £200 for another dectomax injection, plus a leg wash this time.  And if it doesn't work?  I don't even want to go there.  It's quite nice for all the phone calls to have stopped.
So we will go to Paris next week and Haylie will continue with whatever treatment we decide upon while we are away.  I've asked her and Christa to ride him for me as well.  I've been to him today and he's not lame.  We went for a lovely hack.  I really enjoyed it, but it's still not what I want to be doing with my life.

The Speed Of Things

So after a great deal of dithering I drew up an advert on Tuesday night and took it up to the tack shop on Wednesday morning.  When I got back I decided to investigate Preloved and as it was free, I decided to put an ad for Barnaby on there.  Within 14 minutes of posting my ad I got my first phone call.  I could hardly believe it.  It was from a woman who has a mare who is bombproof but old.  They were saying they'd never get another one like her.  Generally you don't sell horses like Barnaby, brave horses like him are like gold dust really.
I am trying to think of him as a commodity, like a car.  It's the only way I'm going to get through it.  Although it is going to cause me excruciating pain, I still think it's the right thing to do for all of us, but the feeling is slightly surreal.
Anyway, they came yesterday and tried him out, a woman and her neice.  They brought mum, too, it was quite a sight.  I rode him, John rode him, then the woman rode him and finally her niece got on.  She looks about 10 and quite small on him, and then she took him over the fence!
So now he is sold, subject to vetting.  I've no idea what that will involve and would be astonished if he failed it, so we'll see.  I'm just waiting for the vet to ring me to arrange a date.
BUT I have finally had time to get creative in my craft room, and this is what I made:

What I learned today (!):

• I don't like acrylics.  I don't like what they do.  The colours are too bold and dry and heavy.  Maybe this will change over time and I'm certainly willing to experiment.
• I can't work on a piece of paper that's too big.  I ended up reaching for my trusty tags and this was just the right size for what I wanted to say.  I'm going no bigger than A5 for now.
• I realise why I love Tim Holtz distress inks.  Because they do exactly what you want them to do.  I have a feeling I'll be buying more of these as I only have a few.
• If I'm going to paint, I may as well stand up in the kitchen and work next to the sink.  When I painted the first version I must have got out of my chair 20 times.  Not condusive to relaxed, therapeutic creativity.
• I didn't need a prompt to create this, which has cheered me up no end.  I have a feeling the theme of 'I am innocent' will pop up again and again.
• I have written, 'I am a child of God,' around the edge of the balloon, but you can't really see it.
• I love the light, floaty feeling of the picture.
• I am going to stick my creations into a scrapbook for now so I can describe what I did, although writing this has 'been a scrapbook' for me.  I'm too nervous to buy an art journal, as if I make a pig's ear of it, I will want to rip the page out!

So glad I made this though, I need to start somewhere, and I need an alternative to my hectic working day!
Thanks for looking in,
Jane x

Today is Sunday and we did what we normally do on a Sunday.  For me it's still blissful to have a lay in.  John doesn't understand this.  He gets up early during the week and struggles to stay in bed at the weekend.  I normally boot him out with the dog.  They go roaming the countryside somewhere, then he comes back in and brings me up a cup of tea.  You're starting to see already why I love him, aren't you?  I am blessed, that's for sure.
You'd better see what the dog looks like.

Her name is Tessa and she is 12. She's a cross between a springer spaniel and a collie. We have had her since she was 5 weeks old.  She is too clever for her own good.  She is making me sad now because she's so obviously getting old.  It's getting to me this weekend that I am too attached to animals, and that's great when it's all going well, but I can't bear it when they die.
My old pony died on Friday.  He was nearly 30 and the sweetest animal you could ever wish to meet.  I could write a book about him.  I had to sell him, because we ended up with 3 horses, and I cried for months afterwards.  I am friends with his owner on facebook.  She always said I could go and visit him but my bond with him was so strong I knew if I went I'd want to bring him back with me.  I knew there was a risk, as soon as I became friends with her on fb, that one day she would message me and tell me he'd died, but it doesn't prepare you for it actually happening.  I am devastated. 
We used to have two cats, my precious Purdy and Tigger.  We rent where we live now and couldn't bring them here and that devastated me.  My daughter has them and Tigger died a few weeks ago.  I didn't mention it anywhere on fb or anything, but I am so upset about that as well.
So if I sell Barnaby as well, it will be the end of our era with animals.  I love them, but they are a tie, aren't they?  And you let them into your heart, but they can't be with you for ever. 
I feel like this because I have a stomach bug this weekend.  I haven't been ill for a long time.  I've had my job for just over a year and not had a day off sick yet.
I managed to get to church this morning.  We love our church.  When I start art journaling, it will become evident pretty quickly (I hope!) that God is the most important thing in my life.  More important than John, more important than Barnaby.  Our church is having to move premesis soon.  We have one more week in our current building (above a shop) then we move into the town hall.  I have no idea what God has in store for us, but I've been a Christian nearly 30 years (struth!) and he's never let go of my hand in all that time, so it's no biggie for me to trust Him in this. 
I've spent the entire evening looking at brilliant Youtube videos on art journaling and am desperate to have another go.  I am ready to show you my first go, but I don't think it'll photograph very well, we'll see.
Back soon, I'm sure
Jane xx

A New Beginning

Well I hardly know where to begin.  My life is going in a different direction and so much is happening to me, I just want to keep a record of it.  All sorts of things will be on here, everything from films I like to art galleries I've been to.
This is how it is.  At the moment I have a horse and I love him, but I'm finding it so tiring going to work, looking after him, doing housework and coursework.  I have a lovely husband and we just want to do some different stuff together before it's too late.
So I have made a difficult decision, and Barnaby is for sale.  Really it's all changed so much since John's horse died in September.  It's just not the same, somehow.  The difficulty is, I haven't stopped loving Barnaby.  He is 16 and still full of life.  He deserves someone who can be devoted to him.  I've told my friends on facebook and the people at the yard, so now I have to draw up an advert. 
We live near Nottingham, and I work in a care home.  You'll probably be hearing lots about my job (the bits I'm allowed to tell you, anyway!)  It takes up a lot of my life.
We are going to Paris in a few weeks.  I am so not excited about this.  I am taking it completely in my stride.  Yes I am.
The fact is, because we've always had horses, we haven't been abroad for years.  We've had holidays where we've stayed on farms and taken the horses with us (and the dog.  She's bound to feature here somewhere!)
I think this blog is going to provide some therapy, don't you?  I don't mind writing a diary, but I want to keep track of pictures that appeal to me, too.  I love Pinterest, but it doesn't give you much of an opportunity to say why you like the picture, does it?
I do a LOT of cardmaking, which you can see on my blog here.  But I'm starting to, very nervously, spread my wings and get into things like art journaling, and I'd rather show that stuff here (when I'm feeling braver than this!)
So I'd better bung on a picture for today, hadn't I?

I saw this painting on Thursday in a gallery called George Thornton Art.  It's by an artist called Gail Troth.  It was right at the back of the gallery and totally took my breath away.  It looks so like Barnaby.  I decided to take a closer look.  It really is a stunning piece, so I did the thing you do and asked how much it was.  It turns out it's a mere £999!  Good grief.  I text John and asked if I could have it.  I won't publish what his reply was!
Hopefully I'll be back soon.
Jane xx