Since Barnaby left I've been giving a great deal of thought to the way my life is. Basically, I've spent the last 2-3 years gradually becoming more and more convinced that I've got some form of Alzheimer's. I can, in all honesty, put a bunch of keys down, and within five seconds I've got no idea at all where I put them. Please don't think this is some sort of feminine ditziness, as it makes me cry on a regular basis.
Now, bearing in mind that I work in a care home for the elderly, I decided to go to the doctor about this a couple of month's ago, because I am also definitely entering the menopause. I've always had problems with this because I have endometriosis. I've had a few hot flushes recently (I think in America you say hot flashes?) I decided to google it and it turns out that loads and loads of women think they have Alzheimer's at my age, but what is actually happening is that the oestrogen levels in women at this stage start to drop. Oestrogen is the hormone responsible for good memory.
So in fact, all I am is menopausal and I don't have Alzheimer's at all. Thank God.
What I do know for sure is that I need time to concentrate on the things I need to do so that I can do them properly. I know that when I go to the yard I have certain jobs to do, eg. muck out, do hay nets, feed bucket and waters etc. When I've finished with everything I like to check I've done it, otherwise I can lay awake at night wondering if I've put Barnaby's water bucket in his stable and actually break out in a panic sweat at the thought of him standing there dehydrating all night.
The worst thing that can possibly happen is John coming along and saying it's time to go before I've had time to do my checks. He can be very impatient and drops massive hints that I need to hurry up. I can't stand this, because I hurry to please him and then I lay there awake at night stressing. It's awful.
But now Barnaby is gone and so not only do I not have to worry about him, but I now have a lot more time to get other things done at home, because I'm not spending 3 hours a day at the yard. I understood this in the winter, when I had to go to the yard, muck out, poo pick, ride, put Barnaby away and give him his tea, but for some reason it takes me 3 hours in the summer when I only have to ride and poo pick. I really don't understand it.
Anyway, without a horse in my life it's given me time to take stock of other areas in my life now. And why I still have Alzheimer's moments.
The bottom line is, I have too much stuff. I have about 20 coats. Some are coats I wear to work and church but most of them are jackets to ride in. So when I go out I can't decide what to wear because all these coats are looking at me. At least 10 of them will have to go.
And the biggie is, I have too many bags. How many bags do you have? I have a small handbag with a long strap which I love because I can put it over my shoulder and have my hands free. It lives in the downstairs cupboard and has my bank card and library ticket in it all the time. And maybe a bit of cash.
Then I have my blue straw bag. This is bigger and I love it. I take it to church quite often with my Bible and notebook in it. But not my cash or my bank card. So when I go shopping I have to rearrange things.
I also love my cloth bag with the union jack on it. I like to take it shopping. It also came to Paris with me. I take it to work, so it often has my diary in it. But not my library card or my cash.
Do you see a pattern here?
So when I go out, especially when I'm going to work, I have to find my keys (which jacket pocket?) phone, notepad, pen, magnet (for door security) maybe some cash if I'm going into the village after work, etc etc and it drives me crazy.
It makes me feel like I've got Alzheimer's because I don't know where everything is, and basically it's got nothing to do with it, it's because I've got too many options all the time. I am a naturally organised and methodical person, so I can't stand this feeling of being disorganised all the time.
Imagine what it was like if I was going to the shop after work and then onto the yard.
One bag for work stuff and phone.
One bag for riding stuff to get changed into. Wear wellies to work and put work shoes in bag, to put on when arriving at work.
Handbag over my shoulder as I will need cash in the village.
So I'm cycling along wearing a back pack and a handbag with another bag on the handlebars.
It feels tiring even writing about it like this. No wonder I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
Don't even get me started on shoes!
So I have embarked on a mission to simplify my life.
1. Keeping up to date with laundry is key. I do have time to iron something in the mornings but it's not ideal. Knowing what I'm going to wear to work each day is very important. We don't wear uniform at work.
2. Only have the coat I wear to work in the downstairs cupboard. All other coats and jackets stay up in the wardrobe. I can pick one if I fancy a change, but it must go back up there when I've finished with it.
3. Have only 1 bag. I bought an awesome thing in Paris and it's big enough for phone, keys, diary, pen, perfume, even my kindle, and it's perfect. I have disciplined myself to keep everything in it and now have no stress about lost keys etc. Keys are only allowed to be stored in there, not in any jacket pocket.
4. Leave 5 minutes earlier for work. Decide in advance whether I'll be cycling down or walking. Pack any other stuff in advance. Make sure I know where my shoes are (easier said than done when you have a dog who likes to put them in bed with her!)
5. Admit it's highly unlikely I'll ever ride again and pack all jods away. I haven't thrown them away, because you just never know. But now I have loads of space in my drawers so I can spread my other clothes out. I'm not throwing anything else out unless, by winter, I know I'm definitely never going to wear it again.
6. Last job is to go through my coats and throw away what I'll definitely never wear again. I'll need something to wear to walk the dog in in the winter but that's about it.
And there we are, a few steps to simplify my life. It's really working and I'm much less stressed, so it's well worth it. I've just got to steel myself not to buy any more bags when I go shopping!
Back soon
Jane x
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